Having freelanced for a goodly set of years now, I’ve been required to scrummage a chicken bone or two from the mighty internet machine phenomenon known as 
Craigslist. If you aren’t familiar with what exactly Craigslist is – allow me to lay the information over your brain in moist strips in an elegant way that wasn’t suckled thoroughly from the welling teat that is Wikipedia, much. Craigslist, in it’s basic form, is an online bulletin board used for finding jobs, apartments, missed connections, furniture, or to learn of community events. There are many, many more categories, but largely they involve entertaining your personal fetishes with other twisted deviants just like yourself, and a variety of other listings that boil down to some form of costuming and/or anonymous sex. It was birthed into this world in the mid nineties by Craig Newmark, a fresh arrival to San Francisco, and he created the simple website as something for his friends. It then blossomed into a hydraulic behemoth – iron jaws unforgiving, digital information passed to here and there, ever sniffing the crotch of society for anonymous encounters. It was the same tale that most internet gazillionaires endure – they make something so rudimentary, something to simply share their love of carpet samples to the world, then the next thing they know they’re snorting snow off the chest of some strange woman who’s after their billions from their empire – “karpetzter.com – A social home for digital social carpet samples online universe data.”
If you’ve read my writings before, it’s no secret that my stock and trade has been that of a freelance designer – free to run to the post office when I need, and usually, also free from the reliability of my next meal. I’ve had to pay the mortgage a time or two from things like Craigslist work and all-male drip-dry carwash services, and this was not easy work to find, let alone stomach after it was complete. I’d estimate that 90% of the design work I’ve acquired from Craigslist found it’s way safely in the spectrum of “crazy like a moon orgy,” and the remaining 10% of the work was in the spectrum of “crazy like a moon orgy, but with a safe word.” The fevered people that post jobs or gigs, people with a job to be done and in need of someone to do it – they all vary in their mutation. Regardless of the content of your post, you can ensure that your inbox will be full within six minutes of such a request – and maybe a third of it will be related to what you wrote about.
It’s quite cut-throat in the world of design as-is – people offering the same services of a professional but at an unbelievable discount rate, and traditionally the uninformed pay their fees – never to see their original need materialize. This is what happens when you pay a brick to walk your dog, your dog doesn’t go on a walk, it lies in the hot sun and tries to drink a tree while it’s brain boils – and you’re out fifteen cents. Instead, they desperately run back through their email history and look for the phone number for “that one guy I should’ve had do it but I told him he was too expensive and also an asshole and also that he could jump into a river of blood then choke on the blood then die and make more river blood.” My phone has rung many-a-time from those who’ve been “burned” by discount hackery, and usually their project is in such disrepair they can’t afford to start over – and are, as we like to say in the business, “shit out of ducks.”
It’s the way the posts looking for design work on Craigslist are written that puts a crease in our asses, the lot of us, I believe. The arrogance that is tied to the world of design – web or print – and the haggling that people often attempt in these online posts is of mysterious and demeaning nature. They need a website, or business cards, or something – and unlike when hiring a plumber or buying a sofa – they simply assume that the people with these painfully honed skill-sets don’t need American dollar bills, they need a six pack of beer, or are willing to accept payment if the client decides, upon careful examination, that we deserve it.
Those whom don’t scrape and scavenge the digital landscape for paying design work like a pack of rats fighting over a cat fetus on an old license plate may not quite understand the type of people you often encounter in your journey. For this reason, I’ve adapted five recent examples I’ve come across on Craigslist – the way not to do things if you’re looking for a designer, into brief dramatic exposition. The following are five examples of real Craigslist posts I’ve come across, the names and locations have been changed, and I’ve expanded heavily into the core meaning of what these people might have been really trying to say. That is, I’ve bastardized their original fetid works into something now only mildy fetid. Sure, there are more than five examples in the wide world of Craigslist posts – there’s the guy who wants to trade web design work for guitar lessons or beer, or perhaps the company President looking for free Flash lessons so they can work on a sexually inappropriate holiday greeting – at the very least this article should begin to help others see the brown and desaturated light we bask in. Perhaps this will give the uninitiated a glimpse into our drop-shadowed world, but if not, then you’ll have witnessed from inside the gladiators cage, drying human gristle clung to the stone.
Example One: Website Needed?
Greetings world of Craigslist – this is an anonymous person posting from one of the local cheese manufacturers that may or may not be located in your state. My partners in the cheese business and I were recently musing through a mouthful of cheddar about how our current website – though awesome and often commented on by our customers – might be in need of a refresh. We’re more than happy with our current website, and the shackled and caged student we’ve kidnapped has done an amazing job with those little rotating cheese wheel animations, and the introduction video that plays on the home page is just top notch. However, while buying expensive coffee at Borders the other day, I took a brief repose from thinking about my latest invention (a belt made of cheese) and I wandered into the magazine isle. I was delightfully perusing the cheese-related publications, when I accidentally happened upon one of those really large design magazines that design hipsters never really read, and for a brief moment I realized that I have really good taste in design, and that things can become much, much better on my own cheesy home front. Hey, I don’t know what a Photoshop is, but I’d like to open one here at my cheese store! Seriously though, I decided to pen this Craigslist post in an attempt to find someone who can do such quality work at a heavily discounted price and possibly suffer verbal abuse in the workplace.
Here’s what we’re looking for, in a nutshell: We want someone well versed with the internets, someone who has been using digital data for at least the last thirty years. We will only accept applications from designers who’ve previously worked on cheese-related marketing, as we feel knowledge of the cheese business is a priority and a must for good cheese design work. I would like you to do all of your work at our cheese store so we can monitor your productivity and assess what you’ve done as you move along. We’ll provide free cheese samples periodically for you throughout the day, and you will be required to interact with our customers in the retail store when we’ve gone to lunch, it’s important for you to understand our business from the inside out. So, we look forward to hearing from you – please put “I would die for cheese” in your email subject so we know that you’ve taken the time to read our post. Oh, also, our new website will need to be online within the next six days and we have a total budget of two hundred and fifty dollars.
Example Two: Seeking Killer Rock Star Designer
What’s up everyone, young professional here with an amazing idea that’s going to revolutionize the world of the internets. Think Facebook or MySpace nailed it? Wrong. How wrong? Super wrong. I’ve designed in my own head and on the remnants of a partially used paper towel from TGIFridays the next big thing in social media hookup marketing usability. Without giving away the entire idea here, it’s got something roughly to do with the availability of ear medicine for pet turtles. Okay I’ve said too much already – I mean – can you feel the heat coming off of your screen right now? I’m on fire with this idea! A community of people engaged in discussion of their pet turtles and how to properly medicate their tiny turtle ears – I mean, I think I’ve struck gold here. Yeah, I may be a simple day trader but my girlfriend thinks this idea is amazing, so I’m looking to invest in success. In fact, my girlfriend has already pretty much designed the whole thing for you, all you’d need to do is “put on the finishing touches,” and “make it shine,” and “polish the rough edges,” and “do the whole thing and make it work,” and “try not to commit horrible and graphic suicide in your own dreams.”
Look, I’m not going to sit here and yank your jerk chain off. I’ve got the brains, now I need the digital muscle. Here’s what I’m offering: without signing a contract or any sort of legal agreement, I’ll offer you ten percent of the total advertising revenue from this project, which has the potential to be huge. Basically you’ll tolerate my neurotic attitude and abusive personality while we change the scope of the project continually, and in exchange you’ll receive ten percent of nothing, and I’ll let you put your name and/or company in the footer of the site to generate traffic for your business. I’d like to meet over beers sometime this week so I can then begin ignoring your emails while I slowly recover from substance abuse. I need a rock star, a super death metal awesome banging evil demon from the twelfth choir of hell to work with me. Only someone who is kick-ass, rocking, kick rocking, and ass kicking rocks need apply. Be prepared to never hear from me again.
Example Three: Student Wanted for Non-Profit
I’m submitting this post to the computer on behalf of my organization, a non profit that aids in spreading the word of universal kindness and the power of healing stones for children between the ages of six and thirty nine. I’ve known for some time we’ve needed a web presence, it’s just only lately am I finally in a place to make it happen. I won’t bore you with long descriptions of the wonderful work our organization provides, instead, I’ll construct a job post looking for a designer – and in doing so I’ll illustrate that my grasp on the world of the internet is light, mild, and clammy. We don’t have a presence online, aside from a MySpace account one of our assistant staffers put online a few years ago. It’s okay, and is designed wonderfully, but some users have complained about the abundance of gothic art and the Loreena McKennitt music that plays on every page. It’s not that we don’t know what we’re doing, it’s just that we need someone to show us that we already do.
We’d like to entertain, as potential candidates for the position, a student recently graduated from college – but we’re willing to accept anyone who can manipulate our not inconsiderable ignorance to all things computers, and general business. As we are a non profit, we will be unable to pay you for your work, since as you know as a non profit we are all volunteers and none of us are paid to come to work and we never have any money and all of this sentence is a lie. We’d like a design student fresh from college with lots of ambition and little-to-no practical business experience. In exchange we’ll be offering you the option to put your name in the footer of our website and a link to your portfolio – as the myriad of not-visitors we’ll be getting to our website will surely generate a lot of not-business that will aid in the not-paying of your not-mortgage. Please email Shelly at the email address we haven’t provided below, and we’ll use our computer data machines to get back in touch with your competition for this particular job, those whom are surely far less qualified than you.
Example Four: Non-Existent Person Required
I work in the human resources department of a local software company, so as the least qualified person to search for new staff, I’ve decided to post this job opportunity on the Craig-lists. Our senior and only computer guy, well okay, IT person, recently left our company to seek other job opportunities after suffering a mental breakdown. Right before his skull filled with blood and he vomited on my keyboard, he did assist me in searching for his replacement. Since most IT staff are generally bearded thirty-something males who suck air rapidly through their nostrils when they laugh – I’ve taken his input with a grain of salt. And, by a grain of salt, I mean I’ve copied verbatim what he wanted me to look for in a person to replace him, and even though I’ve misspelled many of the acronyms, it doesn’t matter anyway as this person doesn’t exist. In a nutshell, we’re looking for someone with qualifications that aren’t applicable to the position, but we’ll ask you to be this person anyway.
We’d like you to be well versed in PHP, MySQL, Tuxedo, Rampart, Database Administration, C, C++, Ruby, Ruby on Rails, Oracle, HTML, Innudo, Archibase, ASP.NET, CSS, QA, Wicked, DOA, Beguile, Lotus Notes, Devirl, Cramumph, Extensiotod, and Nippletwisty. If you’ve got a background in web design, multimedia design, interactive design, print design, and esoteric water color design – that’s a bonus. We prefer our candidates to be well versed in large-software storage, and know how to administrate a data center. We’ll be holding interviews in English and Russian, and you will be required on the job often to write in both languages, ambidextrously. Finally, you’ll be required to perform a brief hand-to-hand combat demonstration in any of the Jedi forms you’d like, but a mastery of Form I, Shii-Cho is required.
Example Five: Dawn Has Come To Your Mind
I was born of the titans, and now I live in the age of the Gaga. Before my seventh season I had eaten the moon, twelve steps from the cauldron of moist ether in which my ancestral homestead does lie. Summer days cause the trees to stir, I watch as they tilt, lean, and take knee to mother sky and father sun, remembering the way I danced as a particle on the backs of fireflies. Dawn has come to your mind, and behind it’s parade I pushed with ten thousand of my brethren the massive guardian stone up and across the cosmos. There is now the iPhone and the microwave oven – these are the tools humanity has devised using the gifts of my lifetime – iron, light, and dew. I have overseen wars and I have conducted the northern lights. I was there when Zeus panicked over Olympus, and I witnessed your president choking on a pretzel. When the columns finally touch lever and unhinge the locked door to the abyss, it is the will of those whom serve as I’ve instructed that will be spared as the children. Wind your clocks, heed your thoughts, and prepare for the coming of the before.
The watchdogs at the gates are named Baal and Jeffrey, twin brothers ever looking for the man who can bring their end. Tremble, as they have, when you approach – steel your will and grip your sword, an eternity of blood has rent this delivery. In ten thousand years I’ve discovered what is possible and what is more. Everlasting transitions, the years, the stars, the bright and the dim. Dawn has come to your mind, and the strings pulled balsa from your eyes – look now, appear before yours and those of others, smile, bask, take into your lungs the magic that awaits. I will bare my wings and enshroud your lifetimes in gossamer and crimson. All of this – it all awaits you at the new adult club off of I-25 and Colfax. Look for the neon sign that says “Pendulous”. Cover charge is ten dollars, ladies drink free.