The Unified Rules of Abandoned Office Food

This isn’t the first office I’ve flattened my ass in, but the rules among the beasts never change—you need to think fast, never abandon food, and bared gums are a clear sign of aggression. You have to be a hunter, a cutthroat with a ragged blade and thick merciless ichor in your veins for when the first email goes out. Everyone’s little workstation chimes in staccato, “Hey everyone. There’s leftover food from the conference in the break-room, go get it.” The air starts to immediately stink, pheromones and barbarous hunger scratch at every door, and within only a beat or two, the stampede begins.

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